Men's Men trumped by Man's Man

The quintessential Man's Man is proclaimed on websites far and wide across the great vastness of cyberspace and debated on an equal number of boards and newsgroups. A popular classic would be one of the diatribes of Maddox, which opens with an eloquent summation of the late and great Gregory Peck. Tao of Steve a few years back tried to give the title to Steve McQueen and other ladies men of yesteryear.

Honest, convincing efforts, the lot of them. However, there are some internet campaigns of late that, while not coming outright and saying it, are trying to give comeupance to men that have no place in the realm of Men's Men.

Offense #1: Chuck Noris

This is a sensitive subject for me, because even now that I'm on Thanksgiving break there's a few voicemails popping up on my phone every morning. They remain unchecked, 'cause I know what they're going to say: "I'm telling you, they were nin-ja." Apparently when The Octagon came out in 1980, nobody in America had ever heard the term, unless they were in-the-know at the local dojo.

Considering this was years before Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and sweet Ninja appearances in every Marvel Comic from The Punisher to Archie Meets the Punisher, it's purely in retrospect that we can take humor in Chuck stretching out the word an extra fifteen seconds than we're accustomed to. Niiinnnnnnnn-juh. Back in 1980 in theaters across America, The Octagon probably helped start the whole thing. Before Americanization, Nin-ja was the bridge between the true American students, the wannabees and finally, the poseurs. Real Ninjas probably still say Nin-ja.

I have nothing to say about Ninjas themselves; the subject has been beaten to death already.

My point is, I love Chuck. I believe nearly every fact revealed on this random fact generator. But, being able to retain reason even amidst the deepest personal man-crush (which any guy who sees Delta Force 2 will have for at least an hour afterward) , I must say Chuck's just not the man's man.

Offense #2: Vin Diesel

Suffice to to say, if Gibbon was still alive this attrocity would culminate The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization.

There are other offenses, no doubt, but as they are not popular they are not worth mentioning.

And now, without further ado, behold, the forgotten reality:

Lee Marvin

(Kills People)

I could go into a long diatribe about The Dirty Dozen, The Big Heat, etc., etc. But that would be just silly. Just watch the original Delta Force. Romantics might say, as this was Lee's last movie, that he was in fact handing the torch to Chuck to take over as the man's man. Right, and Steve McQueen and Yule Brenner's rival showboating in The Magnificent Seven was done with all the friendliness of the dueling banjos.

Watch the movie, people! If you can find one shared scene where Lee isn't about to smack Chuck upside the head with a good 'ol fashioned Marine fist and say "Get over yourself, man!" please let me know.

This is not to say Lee had no respect for Chuck's trademarked art of "Chun Kuk Do," it's just that this art of "The Universal Way" really doesn't add up to delivering a universal barrage from your BAR on a group of Banzai soldiers on Saipan in WWII. You know, when it comes to real manliness, Jimmy Stewart's got more to his credit than Chuck Norris. Don't even get me started on Vin Diesel.

Clearly, by the time Chuck met Lee the whole fame thing had just gone to his head. Like Han talking to Ben Kenobi, it was just "She's fast enough for you, old man." Lee's influence was delivered upon many who chose to listen, unlike Chuck.

Like who, you ask?

Ronald Reagan

(Kills people)

Lest we forget one of Ron's last film roles, The Gipper received his commupance from Lee in The Killers. They both played bad dudes, and out-badding Lee Marvin was an impossible feat. So what did Lee do? He showed up to the set wasted on the last day of shooting so that his acting ability would be impaired and Reagan's mediocre acting would be able to live up to Lee's death scene. No doubt they parted as friends.

Then, while Lee would go on to do Dirty Dozen and a bunch of other movies that should be watched any time one gets the temptation to watch an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, Reagan went on to topple communism with a smile.

In conclusion: Know your men's men; beware of false prophets.

Men's men gotta stick together.